You're a Keeper!

Sydney:

Dear Client:

You are a keeper!

Noes, noes, stop with the jumping and clapping.  Is not a good thing.

See, "keepers" is what Sydney calls clients she has stopped working for, but simply not bothered to kick to the curb.  Sydney does not return your calls.  Sydney does not send out your manuscripts.  Sydney does not pitch your books.  Sydney just keeps you in her dusty files, taking up space, until you either go away, die, or somehow become valuable to her.  And it is this last this is the ONLY reason Sydney keeps you around.

How could that happen?  Well, somebody could find an old copy of your manuscript behind an editor's desk , love it and make an offer.  Maybe you could sell your own book by pitching it to editor at conference or workshop.  Maybe your self-published novel will be a hit, making all your old, unsold-stuff hot.  Maybe "Christian Sexy Zombie Babysitter Mysteries" will suddenly become major new publishing trend, and Sydney will suddenly have use for your book, "Who Ate the Baby's Brain, Probably Not My Hottie Boyfriend, But Maybe Me." other than using it to prop up old table-leg.

Could be anything, as long as doesn't not require any advance effort on Sydney's part.  Is like a lottery ticket for Sydney, only cheaper.  Does not even have to go to store, or even scratch off tickets like in McDonald's game (Sydney always shreds them with her little claws before she can read them anyway, kind of like your royalty statements).

So, probably you is worth nothing to Sydney, and nothing is all she will ever do for you.  But maybe you will pay off like little Powerball, and Sydney will swoop in for her percentage, tell you you are wonderful, and then leave!  Too bad you held out hope, and did not to fire the Sydney!

Is bad to be you.

But is good to be me!

PURRRRRRRRRR!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! 

 While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! 

Science proves Sydney not just most important site on the Internet, Sydney IS the internets!

Sydney:

Dear Clients (and World):


For years, Sydney has been telling you she is more important than any of  you.  Now, thanks to Google labs, Sydney has SCIENTIFICAL PROOF of her importance.  See, Google builds uber-smart, artificial-intelligence computer with 16,000 cores.  (Sydney does not know what "cores" is, but number is impressive.  When in doubt, Sydney loves to confuse clients with big numbers!)  Google sets super-smart brain loose on internet to scan TEN MILLION (Look!  Another number!) digital images to see what great wisdom it would learn.


So, what does computer come back and say is sum total of internet, the answer to life, the cyberspaces, and everythings?  Here it is:

Yesses!  It's ME!

Maybes you think this is big joke, but is not!  Reads all about it yourself in the New York Times!

You may begin worshiping Sydney now!  (What, you weren't already?)  


Being most important thing on internet is very tiring.  Sydney will go take 86,400 seconds (See!  Another number!) worth of naps now!  Sorry clients!  No work for you today!


Is good to be me!


PURRRR!




 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

 If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donation her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney:

Stupid clients: of COURSE Sydney knows far more about publishing contracts than you do.  Sydney spends much times with contracts (she sleeps on top of piles of them all the time) and is an expert on law, even though she has never gone to law school or passed any bar or watched more than half an episode of "Boston Legal" without curling up in people's lap and falling asleeps!


Why?  Because Sydney is AGENT!  Went to Blogwart's School of Agenting, where after much teachings drank the magic Potion of Knowing and was issued mystical Contract Wand!


HAHAHAHAHAHA!  You writers will believe anything!  Sydney loves using your imagination against you!  Does not matter if Sydney went to imaginary and almost certainly not trademarked school or not!  As with all things, writers believe that because Sydney calls herself "agent," she has magic powers, like Santa or Tooth Fairy!  Sydney's phone calls are better than theirs.  Sydney's letters are better than theirs.  Sydney's mailings are better than theirs.  And most CERTAINLY, all Sydney's knowings are better than theirs.


So do not be coming to Sydney questioning "organ donation clause," or "do-not-resuscitate clause."  Is just standard publishing boilerplate with no real meanings!  Is above your pay-grade to understand!  If it were important, Sydney would tell you so!  Certainly you should NOT refer it to a lawyer -- or the FBI.


Now goes away!  Sydney has to go fill the bathtub with ice.


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney:

Words is money.


Sydney has been scooping up many writer's estates, and signing writers that is largely retired and is not keeping up with changes in publishing, offering to handle their back-lists.  Scooping up like plump little mousies!  Yum!


Sydney knows how to sell words (especially good words written by professional writers) by the pound, turning them into cash!  Sydney has her own publishing company on side.  (Oh!  Whoopses!  Is just publishing company that is just happens to be BESIDE Sydney.  Is not connected!  Oh, no, oh noes!)  Anyway, this almost certainly unconnected company publishes all these words as ebooks and print-on-demand books!  Only a little bit, because company does not do very good job on conversions or formattings or covers, but does not matter, because Sydney works in bulk!


Then, somehows (does not want to know how) bails of money fall into Sydney's mail-slot.  KLUNK!  There's anotherones!


Oh, wait!  What is this envelope here under bail of money?  Oh, is from publisher trying to buy rights to one of Sydney's estate books! Sydney has dealt with these bad peoples before!  Wants to offer estate much more moneys than Sydney's bulk deal.  More money for estate, but LESS FOR SYDNEY!  THIS CANNOT STAND!


But do not worries!  Sydney has easy solution!  Just does not pass deal along!  Tells publisher to go away!  But this new letter, they is asking for contact information for estate, so can take offer to them directly.  WELL, SYDNEY WILL NOT TELL!


Does not have to.


Will just keep estate in dark, and feed them -- well, you knows!


KLUNK!


Is good to me me!


PURRRRRRRR!





 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

You May Already Be Bad Agent Sydney's Client!

Sydney:


All the times, people is asking Sydney if she is taking new clients, and if they can be Sydney's client!  All the times!  This, even though Sydney has this blog telling writers all the bad things she likes to do!  Is good to be me!  Purrr!


But to these peoples I say, how does you know you is not already Sydney's client?  Sydney has found new thing!  All Sydney has to do is make some kind of contact with writer.  Could be email, or over-the-transom submission, or something handed to Sydney at writer's conference, if she went to writer's conferences, which she never does.  Anyway, all Sydney needs is to get hold of manuscript or proposal or pitch, or even just find out about submission writer has already made to publisher.


Then all Sydney has to do is keep writer hanging while she secretly sweeps in and takes over property!  Sydney can shop to publishers, chase foreign rights, even movie or TV rights, and tell writer nothing!  Even easier, if writer has already done much of the work!


Good thing is, Sydney has no obligations to "client!"  Does not have to return calls, or listen to their silly prattling about how they wants their work handled!  No agreements of any kind!  Sydney does what Sydney wants!  And if Sydney can not sell work, is not stuck with useless writer cluttering up her client list!  Far as they is concerned, they was never Sydney's client at all!  


But if Sydney does sell, then if Sydney does sell, most writers treats Sydney like hero!  Every once in while though, some silly writer complains that Sydney has sold property she had no rights to represent!  Some silly peoples says it is almost like stealing!  The nerves!


But, Sydney is just cute little cat (agent)!  Everybody forgives Sydney!  Sydney does not care if some stupid writers goes away mad.  They was never Sydney's client anyway!


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRRRR!


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Wisdom: Sydney is Neither Conflicted Nor Interested!

Sydney:

Yesterday reporter was by to talk to Sydney about her new "ebook pre-printification" program for clients. (We does not call it "publishing" silly peoples!)  


Works like this: Sydney sends client's books to "trained pre-printification specialists" in third-world country where orphans format into ebooks in exchange for handful of rice and moldy dates.  Then Sydney does the backbreaking job of uploading files to Amazon, Barnes & Nobel and other sites!  (Just kiddings!  Sydney has orphans do that part too!)


For this, Sydney takes only standard 20% of whatever sales she decides to report to clients, whenever she decides to report it!  Clients all think Sydney is hero! (Because this is what Sydney tells them to think, and clients mostly thinks what Sydney tells them to think!  Sydney LOVES this business!)


So, this reporter asks if Sydney Agency can possibly to the kind of professional job traditional New York publishers can!  SYDNEY IS ALL OVER THIS!  Sydney points out how sloppy and error filled many New York ebooks is!  Then Sydney explains to reporter moron how, after takes New York housing prices and cost of living into effect, SYDNEY'S ORPHANS ACTUALLY PAID MORE THAN THEIR EDITORS!  PURRR!


Sydney knows she made impression on reporter, because they was writing very fast, and kept breaking pencils!  Also how their left eye kept twitching!


So, yes, Sydney has been in press dissing traditional publishers and saying she can do better job for clients, traditional publishers where many is still expecting Sydney to sell their books!


Do not worries, clients!  Sydney does not think this will hurt your chances of selling to them!


Much.


And there is always "ebook pre-printification program" to fall back on.


PURRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney:

Dear writers:


Sydney knows that sometimes is just too much work to sift through Sydney's blog looking for all her great writing and publishing wisdoms!  Sydney also knows that sometimes you might want to read Sydney's great writings without having the internets!


GOOD NEWS!  Sydney has come up with a profitable solution to your problem!  Sydney has now collected, illustrated, and updated all her wisdoms into one ebook, which YOU can buy with nothing but money!  GO BUY NOW!  (Some readers is already giving Sydney 5-star reviews, AND SHE DID NOT EVEN HAVE TO HURT THEM!)




Sydney's book is also available on Nook, Smashwords and other ebook outlets!  GO!


(Sydney is counting her moneys now!  PURRRRRRR!)


 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  


AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!